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Animals are my friends and I never eat my friends.

• The Restaurant at the end of the Universe
• Stupid things Vegetarians Hear

The Restaurant at the End of the Universe

The following text is from book "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" by Douglas Adams. I guess that Douglas Adams is not a vegetarian but you can find here some hesitations which comes to each of us. But you can just think...

"The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" Douglas Adams.
Fragment

The Universe was coming to an end.
For a few interminable seconds the Restaurant span silently through the raging void. (...)
Hesitantly the audience began to clap and after a moment or so normal conversation resumed. (...)
A large dairy animal approached Zaphod Beeblebrox's table, a large fat meaty quadruped of the bovine type with large watery eyes, small horns and what might almost have been an ingratiating smile on its lips.
"Good evening," it lowed and sat back heavily on its haunches, "I am the main Dish of the Day. May I interest you in parts of my body?" It harrumphed and gurgled a bit, wriggled its hind quarters into a more comfortable position and gazed peacefully at them.
Its gaze was met by looks of startled bewilderment from Arthur and Trillian, a resigned shrug from Ford Prefect and naked hunger from Zaphod Beeblebrox.
"Something off the shoulder perhaps?" suggested the animal, "Braised in a white wine sauce?"
"Er, your shoulder?" said Arthur in a horrified whisper.
"But naturally my shoulder, sir," mooed the animal contentedly, "nobody else's is mine to offer."
Zaphod leapt to his feet and started prodding and feeling the animal's shoulder appreciatively.
"Or the rump is very good," murmured the animal. "I've been exercising it and eating plenty of grain, so there's a lot of good meat there." It gave a mellow grunt, gurgled again and started to chew the cud. It swallowed the cud again.
"Or a casserole of me perhaps?" it added.
"You mean this animal actually wants us to eat it?" whispered Trillian to Ford.
"Me?" said Ford, with a glazed look in his eyes, "I don't mean anything."
"That's absolutely horrible," exclaimed Arthur, "the most revolting thing I've ever heard."
"What's the problem Earthman?" said Zaphod, now transferring his attention to the animal's enormous rump.
"I just don't want to eat an animal that's standing here inviting me to," said Arthur, "it's heartless."
"Better than eating an animal that doesn't want to be eaten," said Zaphod.
"That's not the point," Arthur protested. Then he thought about it for a moment. "Alright," he said, "maybe it is the point. I don't care, I'm not going to think about it now. I'll just ... er ..."
The Universe raged about him in its death throes.
"I think I'll just have a green salad," he muttered. "May I urge you to consider my liver?" asked the animal, "it must be very rich and tender by now, I've been force-feeding myself for months."
"A green salad," said Arthur emphatically.
"A green salad?" said the animal, rolling his eyes disapprovingly at Arthur.
"Are you going to tell me," said Arthur, "that I shouldn't have green salad?"
"Well," said the animal, "I know many vegetables that are very clear on that point. Which is why it was eventually decided to cut through the whole tangled problem and breed an animal that actually wanted to be eaten and was capable of saying so clearly and distinctly. And here I am."
It managed a very slight bow.
"Glass of water please," said Arthur.
"Look," said Zaphod, "we want to eat, we don't want to make a meal of the issues. Four rare steaks please, and hurry. We haven't eaten in five hundred and seventy-six thousand million years."
The animal staggered to its feet. It gave a mellow gurgle.
"A very wise choice, sir, if I may say so. Very good," it said, "I'll just nip off and shoot myself."
He turned and gave a friendly wink to Arthur.
"Don't worry, sir," he said, "I'll be very humane."
It waddled unhurriedly off into the kitchen.

Text from: Small Household Vegetarian Recipes Index by M. L. Grant

"This is all true stuff, mostly things that people have said to Tom or me. Some additions were suggested by vegetarian friends of ours."

• I could never be vegetarian. I'd get sick of eating pasta all the time!
• I could never be vegetarian. I'd get sick of eating salad all the time!
• Oh, but we decided on a seafood restaurant because we thought you ate fish.
• What did you say gelatin was made of? You're joking.
• Um, then I shouldn't order meat for my own dinner, should I?
• Aren't you worried that you don't get enough protein?
• Aren't you worried that you don't get enough iron?
• Can't you just pick out the bits of meat in (insert name of dish here) and eat the rest of it?
• Hey, you know that has meat in it, right? ... Just kidding!
• Gravy for your whipped potatoes?
• You should feel bad about the pain and suffering you're causing all those plants you're eating.
• (After being informed that rendered cattle are ingredients in cattle feed) Yeah, it's good for 'em!
• Well, here, all vegetarians eat chicken and fish, too.

All material on this page is Copyright 1997 by M. L. Grant. Free redistribution and use permitted with this copyright notice intact!

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